Sociable Susan Magazine: Commitment Phobic?

How's your relationship with yourself? If it's not good you will have commitment fears. Have you liked, trusted, and been attracted to someone, but still can't commit? Are you only dealing with suitors every blue moon because of the fear of getting your feet wet and moving into the center of a relationship? Do you always have an emergency exit you can escape from in every relationship you are in? This is what we are discussing today.?

What makes?people commit or not? When do they commit? What is the deal? Why won't he or she?commit? Are you involved with someone who when you met spoke about commitment, but doesn't act on it? Do you have a fear of attachment, commitment or closeness?

Today's guest is Dr. William July II, author of?Confessions of a Bachelor and Understanding the Tin Man. He has made a career of researching male behavior. Tell us about your work.?

I was a bachelor for a long time and got married at 33 years old. It was good for me because?it was a way to get a clear focus of who I was and what I wanted. It helped me get a good sense of myself, which is good before you go into a relationship to anchor yourself into for a long time. It also helps you know what you want from someone else, instead of having unrealistic expectations. I was going in an out of relationships as a young man sowing his wild oats. I was in serious relationships that went bad and I got hurt?and that mixed together was a great way to learn about myself. When I reached a certain comfort level with myself is when I got into a relationship with my wife. At the time we were both single, but neither of us had our radars on actively looking, which is good because the best time to be in a relationship is when you want but don't need one.?

How this show came about is that I was at a hair salon and a group of women were discussing with a woman who has been involved with a man for 5 years. She also has a child by him and he refuses to commit. She was being asked the question, when do you think he will commit to you? She was saying, I thought it would be this time and that time, but it wasn't etc. Then I chimed in and said, I wonder when do men commit and what is behind it when he doesn't. However, it's good to note that both males and females can have commitment issues.?

I see many men in my practice who have commitment issues and it's usually because they grew up in a single parent home, and by the time they got to adolescent age, they pursued relationships where the girl hurts them by disappearing, cheating on them or emasculating them. Then the young and innocent boy grows into a deeply wounded man who is programmed to hurt women like he was hurt.?

Want to know if you are dealing with a commitment phobic?person AKA The Tin Man or Woman? Below are warning signs:

1. He/she lets you know he's not ready for a relationship right off the bat.

2. He/she says he/she hasn't met the right woman/man yet.

3. He/she says?women/men are a pain.

4. He/she says, "I don't want to get serious."? "I just want to keep things lose." "I'm confused." "I need my space." "No one gets or understands me." I'm just a dog." "I'm married!"

5. His/her focus is solely on his/her career.?

6. He's/she's been hurt before.?

I got the Tin Man analogy?from The Wizard of Oz because he wanted a heart and I paralleled that with what I hear from men on why they don't commit. He was stuck and suffering because he didn't have a heart and many men are the same way because deep down they?desire to commit and want to be in a loving relationship, but they are without tools to effectively do so. Many times in our culture, men are socialized away from the things that make us good intimate partners, so even with the best intentions, it often doesn't work out. They must be taught that one can be manly and simultaneously enjoy intimate relationships. The book came from the types of?people you listed. Many men will openly admit to these codes. In talking to guys during informal surveys they were very forthcoming with information. They were easy to categorize because they were so open about it.?

If you come across any of these dynamics you are dealing with someone who isn't ready or able to commit and the list helps people understand themselves or who they are dealing with. It's a window for a woman to look through to a man's heart and a man's way to look at himself. Being noncommittal in a relationship allows him to stay on the fringe edge by having the benefits of the relationship without committing to it, which to many immature men, is the best of both worlds.?

What propels men to marriage vs being in a long term relationship, especially in the African American community where there's a large percentage of men who never marry because they don't for a long time and then they get older and say what's the point?

Also on the show are Tim and William who are area professionals.?Tim is a 35 year old widower who was married for 2 years before his wife died and is now serial dater. Tim why is that?

It's not a conscious choice. It's a question of practicality, so there's no absolute driving force saying I need to get married other than my mom saying I should.?

I think he married young and was so?in love when his wife died, and losing her may be why he's now reluctant to make that kind of intimate attachment to anybody else for fear of going through that kind of loss again, so he's serial dating to keep things kind of loose.?

Losing someone is a profound loss in so many ways.? I was dealing with an 80 year old man who just lost his wife and he's so devastated even though we all knew it was coming since she had health issues and it's part of the cycle of life, so Tim's experience must be so painful therefore the process of trusting someone again?will be very hard for him.?

Do you think the serial dating is from losing trust?

It may be, but it's part of the subconscious, so I'm not aware of it. Therapy is good for you because it helps bring the subconscious to the conscious, so you can address and resolve it.

Are you lonely? Is there a wall between you and your partner? Do you routinely move to a new love and run away from relationships? Do you have trouble opening up? Are you still wondering where your mate is while your peers are married?

Why do many people avoid intimacy, which is the sharing of feelings and emotions and not having sex??

William is a 47 year old African American man who has never married. African American men are the largest group of unmarried men in American. He has 2 children and says he would like to be in a committed relationship, but his relationships don't lead to that point because he loses interest and pulls out. What's going on with you William??

I'm not sure. Maybe part of it is not wanting to settle.

What does settling mean to you? What's your fantasy of settling?

It's where I'm left with an uncomfortable feeling which produces anxiety. I pull out of relationships to avoid the uncomfortable feeling, anxiety and dissatisfaction. I don't pull out abruptly now because I'm older and more mature, so I just end it by saying, "It won't work out for me in the long run." I try to be direct when I know what the issue is or if it's general like where we just don't click.?

What time frame is that usually within??

In about? 3 or 4 months.

But by then she's invested. Sometimes women take a little time to open up, but usually women get attached in about? 6 to 8 weeks, if you see each other on a regular basis. If you are going hot and heavy for 2 to 3 months, then she's involved. ?

Women are always focused on securing stable relationships. In my relationships where I pulled the plug, it was when my level of comfort was being threatened by them pushing my buttons or not being the type of person I want to move forward with.?

I have an article coming out in Good Housekeeping Magazine's July issue with a working title of, Male commitment Issue & Why Men Don't Want to Stay In Relationships. It looks at my reality?and that of?so many men not wanting to get boxed in and into the wrong relationship. Also men don't deal with feelings very well, which is due to negative messages on what being male is from the society, the?culture, growing up in dysfunctional single parent families, and communities with popular negative images of men such as the glamorous pimp "mac daddy" images. There are no good models of positive men, so young people don't think of any other way because of what they see around them. Often times a magic light switch comes on when you are in a relationship and you're just not ready because you haven't been prepared for it.?

My history plays a role in preparing me to be ambivalent towards relationships. My parents divorced when I was 7. It was a bad relationship before and after the divorce, and? neither one of them ever remarried, and neither of my brothers married or had relationships that I was privy to. All these play a subliminal role in the mind of a 7 year old. Add to that bad experiences in relationships, which are hard as it is and there you have it. I looked forward to getting married and having a family, but I never had that.?

Having something, saying you want it?and the idealization of it are all?very different things.?Because with relationships you have two people of different temperaments coming together with their different histories and backgrounds, so it's very difficult. Women will say they have a biological clock, but men also?have a financial / success clock, and till they feel they are at a point where they can make good money to provide and protect a family they don't want get married. However, that doesn't stop them from being in relationships and receiving the benefits.? For example, Mark Zuckerberg of Face Book got married after his company's stock went public. It's interesting that he got married then. It's obvious that he waited till he felt he was successful and then got married. He needed his IPO to go public, then he exhaled and said, "We can get married now." What then happens to many?African American?men who aren't and may never be successful? That plays a part in the inordinate amount of unmarried African American men around.

Believe it or not, everyone has some amount of commitment issues. In this culture, most people are either a sexual, emotional, control, ambivalent or avoidant distancer whose goal is always to be detached and loose.? ?

Do you keep your distance in relationships? Do you withhold, distance, and avoid intimacy? Do you prefer relationships with no expectations? Do you change partners frequently? Are you always in relationship transition? Do you feel non-present, have fears or avoid being close? Do you keep yourself busy to avoid closeness? Do you feel people expect too much of you and that pulls you under??

Caller: I have been involved with a man for 8 years and we have a child together, but I'm like the woman in the hair salon. I've done all the right things. I've worked on myself to not have conflicts with him and be the best I can be, but out of the blue he walked out and said, "I can't do this." He made an exit argument so he could walk out the door. There was nothing to give me any foreshadowing of my future. This is my second real relationship, but I achieved all my goals in life. At the time I was in?my first relationship,?he wasn't settled and I questioned that it was because?I wasn't self?sufficient. So I thought?if I was educated, and self sufficient before I got with this person everything would be fine. But that's not the?case.?He won't commit to me but his commitment is to his family.?He also has no commitment to career, education or anything else. He stops right before he accomplishes anything. I work on myself in self help therapy. I think it's a comfort zone, the fear of restarting and?the desire to have?a nuclear family that's the reason why I keep giving it another shot.

It may have to do with his trust level and image of relationships that is causing him to not want to commit to you. He's also storming out on the child, not just you, so the child will have relationship and trust issues in time as well. Two things stuck out of what you said. The first is that 8 years is a long time. He also needs to achieve things, but you can't make anyone do anything and for 8 years you have been with him and it hasn't worked out. Maybe it's time to think about how you will free yourself from him. There's a payoff for you, that's why you're still there, but it's not a healthy payoff. You say you've been being the person you need to be, but you have seen that it doesn't work. You can't change a person by what you are doing or not doing. You also have to look at how much are you enabling him and holding yourself back. Otherwise you will keep spinning wheels that go no where.?

His success or lack there of and how men feel they must achieve to feel ready to settle down and commit to a woman and a family is another issue we must examine in this situation. It has played a big role in my life. There's always the issue of the expectation of women wanting to be secure in a relationship and as a man knowing the cost, it can be a huge barrier and a lot for men to want to?take on.?

Source: The Audrey Chapman Show

Guests: Dr. William July II

Broadcast Date: 5/26/12

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